Cory McBrown: Year 2-Chapter 7

February 13th, 2003

I walk with Bart down the halls. All around us, people are decorating the halls with hearts and other symbols of Valentine’s Day.

“Did you decide if you and Mary are going to the dance tomorrow?” I ask him.

“We talked about it,” he says. “I told her I wanted to support Sam, and this was probably the last dance we were all gonna have, so I asked her to go.”

I hug Bart as we walk. “You’re a good brother.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” he says. “If you don’t think I’m getting anxious about leaving you at school alone when I graduate…”

“I’ll be okay,” I tell him. “I have Sam and John.”

“Aye, I know. But it would be nice if you had an upper classmate to look after you.”

“They will be. They’ll be 4th years next year.”

“I know… I just…”

Bart stops and looks at me. I stop, too. He looks sad all of a sudden. “I can’t help feeling like I’m abandoning you by leaving.”

“But you’re not leaving leaving, are you?” I ask, a little nervous.

“Like, moving out? No. Of course not. Not yet, anyways. I don’t even know what I’m doing after school,” he says.

I hug Bart again, this time full on. He hugs me back. “Somehow I don’t see you ever abandoning me.”

Then I look at him. “You know what I see?”

“What?”

I keep walking and he follows. “I see us growing up and living together in a flat, with Sam and John across the street, living it up in Bantry.”

Bart chuckles. “Okay, and what about if one of us gets married?”

“Well, I don’t think I will, but maybe you can build me a room over your garage.”

“You can’t say you’re not gonna get married at 13,” Bart tells me.

“Why not? I don’t want to get divorced, so I figure the best way to avoid that is to avoid getting married.”

“Look, Cory… I may not totally approve of the whole Smithy thing, but I will acknowledge it as your first time feeling these feelings. I can almost guarantee you it is not the last time you’ll feel that way. And one day you may want to share your life with someone.”

I nod, not really believing him. He continues. “And it doesn’t mean you have to get married, either.”

“Really?”

“Of course not. You can share your life with someone without marrying them,” Bart says.

I think on that for a moment. I had never considered that. That would avoid the constraints of marriage. Perhaps I’ll think on this for a while.

We split off as he goes to his math class, and I join Sam and John at our history class.

After school, Sam, John, and I sit at their table doing our homework and eating cookies.

Today, Mr. Conway is with us, reading the newspaper. “You wains going to the Valentine’s day dance?”

John nods. “Trudy and I are.”

“Cory and I are talking about going together and making fun of people with dates,” Sam says.

“Except John and Bart,” I say.

“Bart’s going?” Sam asks.

“He wants to support you and go with us to one last dance. I think he’s feeling sad about leaving school,” I say.

“What happened to Harry Barton?” Mr. Conway asks.

Sam sighs. “He’s just not being the same person anymore, so I broke it off until he can figure out who he is.”

Mr. Conway nods. “I see. Well, good for you for standing up for yourself. It’s never worth your self-esteem to waste your time with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.”

That’s a good point. Sam’s a pretty mature 14-year-old to already know that.

The doorbell rings and Mr. Conway gets up to answer it. It’s Harry Barton again. Except he’s not dressed like a jock anymore. He’s dressed all emo again. “Hi, Mr. Conway. Is Sam here?”

Sam gets up and goes to the door. “What is it, Harry?”

“I was being an idiot. I wanted those lads to like me so they’d stop teasing me. Those lads are jerks,” he said.

He sighs. “I just didn’t realize it until you stepped away… I missed you.”

Sam sort smiles. “I missed you, too.”

Harry takes a deep breath. “I know it’s probably too late, but… Would you go to the Valentine’s day dance with me?”

Sam smiles bigger. “I would love that, Harry. Thank you.”

They hug, and then they kiss.

John and I look away. John probably because it’s his sister, and I know he’s not used to seeing that. I look away because I’m uncomfortable. I am so confused right now. I don’t know if I want to fall in love. I don’t know if I even want to date anyone. It just seems so confusing and weird. Is it really worth it to fall for someone that may not feel the same about you, or who may not feel that way for you forever? How does one cope with a first breakup?

I ponder these things as I sit here now, at my desk, with my music on. How does one even be in love, knowing it could end in heartbreak? I don’t know how Mum felt after dad left, but I know she seemed tired. If she ever cried about it, she never did it in front of me. Maybe Bart and Orla aren’t the best example of a relationship, but he was still really sad when that ended. And now what about Mary? I don’t want Bart to break up with her, but it won’t be my choice. Even now, Sam and Harry almost broke up, and it shook Sam. Sam of all people, who I’ve hardly ever seen cry.

And then what about Smithy? He didn’t seem like he ever knew love, or if he did, it ended badly. But the thing I noticed the most was how scared he was when I reached out to him. He put up the walls immediately, as if he didn’t trust that I, or anyone else, would want to love him without some ulterior motive. That makes my heart ache.

Perhaps that is the point, though. Smithy is living the way he does because he’s scared of somebody loving him. Perhaps because no one ever has, he can’t imagine why anyone would. Maybe he’s lost someone dear to him, and the loss felt so painful he has to push it all down. Do I want to live that way? No, I don’t. I don’t want to live closed off from people. I want to live connected and close to people. I want to be a person people want to be close to.

Is it so bad to let people into my life? I mean, sure, a wonderful person I like may come in and then leave. But what if they stay? What if they become someone wonderful who makes my life better? Not that I need another person to do that, but the fact is, having people around you who love you makes your life much better than being alone.

And maybe that’s one way I can help people like Smithy. If I live my life well, maybe it will inspire others to do the same. Maybe I’ll even have a career that involves helping or healing people. I’m good at yoga. That’s a good way to heal people. I’m fascinated with herbalism, maybe I could be a holistic healer. Then again I have always wanted to play basketball. Although basketball is not a lifelong career. I could do both.

Well, for now I’m tired and I want to go to bed, but I’ll leave you with this:

Maybe love isn’t so bad after all.